When You Try To Complete Everything

I’m curious to know if other people have the same troubling situation as I do now and then. Here is the issue.

When I’m working, I feel guilty. Because I should be spending time with my loved ones, knowing our time together is always limited. When I’m with my loved ones, I feel guilty. Because I should be working on building a future for me and the ones I share my life with.

Both things I enjoy doing, so I’m blessed to have multiple things I enjoy spending time doing. But no matter what I do, I feel torn between the two. Like two children wrestling between each other trying to take the toy for themselves. Me being the toy.

This causes my focus to also split and then I feel guilty for not giving each task their undivided attention. I say task as if these things are goals to be accomplished, perhaps that’s my personality slipping into play there. But in any case, there is two levels of guilt being involved in those moments. Guilt that I should be doing the other thing instead of what I’m doing right now. And then guilt for even thinking that way in the first place.

This reminds me about the idea of truly being present at any given moment. Instead of that, I’m always thinking about the next thing ahead. Or at least all the things needed to be done.

Constantly with a list tacked to my mind to remind me of my productivity lifestyle. It’s a double-edged sword. For it does allow me to get things done. Although it comes with the price of habitually never switching off. Not only that, but I also start to roboticize my time with friends and family.

Yes, I know it’s importance and therefore spend time with them, with genuine intention. But it doesn’t mean I’m doing it right. Well, listen to that sentence, you can tell optimisation runs deep in my veins. What I mean to say is, am I spending quality time with them? Or am I doing it as with the means of ticking a box? Like I do with any other task.

This is where the title comes in.

I’m so determined to do it all, that the efficient part of my brain wants to do it all at once and complete it with time to spare. But life isn’t a goal and I will never complete it. I hate hearing it, but I will never do everything that I set out to do.

So, I need to stop seeing the time I spend as things needed to be done. I will never complete my work because I will always move onto the next project. I will never complete spending time with my loved ones because that’s obviously an open loop I hope to always continue. The day of completion will actually be the day I grieve the loss of loved ones. But my mind forgets that fact because its task orientated.

I need to switch my brain from task orientated to something more befitting the moment.

I’m sure I’m not as cold and calculating as I’m making myself sound. And this could just be the optimisation side of me, but nothing is inherently wrong with that if it comes from good intentions. But I believe I can value that time more than I’m doing so. Better yet, I can provide more quality as company to others.

When it’s time to be with friends and family, wouldn’t it be great if all other things can be put on a hiatus. To reframe it so, I’m going to enjoy my time with everyone as much as possible, and to do so I fully participate in that moment. I interact with all of me fully engaged.

Sounds like a mantra and could well be if it helps as a reminder every time the situation arises.

I must switch to a more playful mode that allows me more freedom. I should look at my environment and ask myself what is required for me to get the best of where I am right now.

One thing at a time.

I can’t do everything at once. Also, somethings don’t need to be done. Nothing is required is required of me all the time. Just the simple act of enjoying myself. Just being there for others means I am doing it. It’s not something can than be quantified into a timescale of completion either.

In order remove some guilt, I can try to schedule out my time to give each thing its designated time. I do love a routine, but life will throw curveballs that make me have to adapt to the current circumstances.

Relax. Breathe. And enjoy the ride a little more. Learn when it’s the right time to be structured, and when it’s time to be flexible. As a great man once said. Be like water.